Blogged by Brandon Hefley as Uncategorized — Brandon Hefley Wed 31 Jan 2007 10:44 am
The last time I saw her,
I took a picture with her
That never developed.
When I got my photos back from the one hour lab,
It was the only one I cared about,
The only picture I ever took with her,
And the only one missing from the stack.
And thus
I thought it my fate
And let her go
Knowing she has the schedule
Of a Hollywood writer/producer.
The last time we were together
We got drunk and talked all night
About life
And love
And baseball.
We took the elevator back to our rooms at the fancy Orlando hotel the magazine put us up in as hired guns to shoot a tv show for a big convention.
Some business people were in the elevator with us
But I was drunk
And didn’t care
And pulled her into me
Her back against my chest
My cheek against her cheek,
Holding my arm against her body
She caressed my face.
And I kissed the side of her neck
As the elevator doors opened to my floor.
Both of us sharing rooms with other people,
I let her go
And told her I’d see her tomorrow,
Knowing she’s leaving tomorrow
And that I might not see her again.
And then the picture doesn’t develop
And I don’t see her again for seven months.
I don’t like this fate.
My love wrested from hell
To love a woman again.
And then I see her again.
We work together for a week
Shooting a TV show
For the music industry convention
In Anaheim.
Her in front of the camera
And me behind it.
We’ve been doing this together for three years now.
We’re pros and get it done
Even after re-shooting half of day one’s interviews
Due to a technical issue with the sound.
She asked me at lunch
If I still talk to my ex.
I said “Yeah, sometimes. Just emails…”
She said, “Yeah me too. I still talk to Dustin. But I’m over it… Have you dated anyone?”
“Yeah, I went on some dates with some chicks I know.”
But my heart was closed.
My love was still flowing toward my self destructive ex.
And even now I think about her, how close she is to me
In Anaheim,
Where she lives
But finally realize the distance she put between us
Where I can be so close
And can’t even visit her.
She tells me,
“I’ve been sort of seeing someone.
He’s a musician.
He lives in Venice.”
“Close by?”
“Only a block away from me.”
“Yeah? Is he signed?”
“I think his band is signed.”
“Cool…”
Our lunch arrives.
“I don’t think I want to date younger guys anymore.”
Me being 26 and her being 33, her ex the same age as me.
“Yeah?” I say and take another fork full of salad.
“Today’s his birthday. Do you think my crush wants me to call him?”
Now she calls him her “crush.”
“I’m sure he’d appreciate it.
If you like him, call him.
But myself, I don’t care if people remember my birthday.”
“But you’re different.”
“Call him up then.”
She calls him up
And wishes him “happy birthday.”
And they set up a dinner date for Saturday.
For the next couple days she makes it a point to mention how she can’t wait for her date.
I feel like she’s trying to get me to open up to her.
The fear of losing her to another man.
If it was meant to be it was meant to be
So I decide to let go of anxiety and just BE
And smile at her and say nothing when she mentions the guy she has a “crush” on.
I’ve never had a crush on anyone.
When I hear the term
I think of drinking orange crush
When I was five
And how great life was then
Sipping that orange crush
So good
Michael Stipe wrote a song about it.
So I’ve always felt like
A crush would feel like that
But I never felt like that from a woman.
Only an orange crush
Ever made me feel like that
And then the way the soda made me feel when I was five
Was a matter of timing and experience.
I don’t nearly enjoy an orange crush as much as
Falling in love.
Jane Licoweeny is the star of the show.
She performs her on air anchor news reads
From a set in New York.
She’s a pseudocelebrity
That does the weather report
For a local Manhattan television station.
She has large breasts
A small waist
A cute little upturned nose
And a sexy scratchy voice.
She’s been in Playboy.
And before the last show,
None of us had ever met her.
The executive producer told us at breakfast
“Jane’s coming out in a couple days.
She wants to see the show.
She’ll be staying with Melina.”
I’d been calling her Tits Lickaweenie
All week
Melina thought it was funny.
Then she got a call from Tits
Saying she wouldn’t be in until 3am.
Melina said she sounded like a sweetheart
And I told her,
“Alright, I’ll stop calling her ‘Tits’.”
She showed up the next day
As we were wrapping the last day of shooting
I was the last to introduce myself.
“Hi, I’m Brandon. I’ve been the camera guy for a few years.”
“Nice to meet you!” She said bubbly.
And then I ignored her and disassembled my camera
As everyone else got sucked in to her black hole
Of sexuality
And bubbly personality.
Jane came up behind me
While I was squatting putting away my gear
And put her hands on me
And asked,
“Was it Brandon or Brenden?”
I turn my head to the side.
“Brandon.”
“Oh, good. I like Brandon better than Brenden.”
And then she squeezed my arm and shoulder like
She wanted to feel my muscles
And turned and talked to everyone else again.
Twenty minutes later I shot the final piece for the show,
An outro with our three reporters,
Ben, Jane, and Melina.
Melina tells me,
“Jane wants me to go with her to the Fender party and pick up some guys.”
“Oh yeah?”
“But I told her I don’t want to party without my boys tonight.
And besides I don’t really like doing that kind of stuff.
So she’s getting you a pass to the party, come on.”
I follow them over to the Fender room
And Jane smiles and bats her eyelashes
And all the Fender execs salivate
And gravitate our way
And she eats up the attention like
Ms. Pacman on one of those super pellets.
When we finally leave, Jane gives me a VIP pass.
“Thanks.”
“No problem sweetie.” She says.
I tell Mel, “I’m going back to the room to chill out for a while.”
“Ok, I’ll call you when we go out.” She says.
I go to my room at the Hilton,
Get a shower,
Shave my head and face,
And cut myself on the neck.
I take one of the white hand towels
Folded neatly next to the complimentary toiletries
And absorb the blood.
It’s going pretty good
So I grab another towel and ruin it
And throw them on the floor
And grab my notebook
And head downstairs to the bar
Where all the music industry’s partying.
I get a “beer and a sidecar”
Like Mikey the other camera guy called it yesterday
When it was just me and him drinking
Macallan on the rocks and
Sam Adams.
He tells me,
“That’s what the Emmy award winning camera guy used to call it
A beer and a sidecar.”
Then he says,
“Me and my wife have threesomes with other women.”
“No shit?”
“When we got married, she said to me, ‘I love women, that’s never going to change.’ And I said to her, ‘Well, I love women too, and that’s never going to change.’”
And he laughs.
And I say, “Damn… You really are punk rock.”
A blonde and a brunette
Stumble out of the hotel
Where we’re drinking and smoking.
The blonde throws a shoe
And we look on amused
As they struggle to put the shoe back on.
I laugh at them
And then the blonde yells at me,
“Don’t laugh at me! Get over here and help me put on my shoe!”
So I go over there,
Get down on a knee
And take her foot
And try to put it on
But she falls completely on top of me and takes the brunette down with her.
As I help the blonde up,
I feel her ass under my hand.
“I like him.” She says. “He’s strong! He picked me right up.”
And then I notice the brunette still sitting on the ground
Waiting for me to pick her up too,
So I do,
And then I help the blonde with her shoe.
She presses her drunken body against me
As I push her foot in the shoe.
“Do you ladies need help out of here?”
“No, we’ll be ok.” The brunette says.
And I watch them stumble off to another hotel in Anaheim.
That was last night.
Now I’m by myself
Sipping Glenlivet on the rocks
Swigging a Heineken
Upstairs on a couch
Away from the crowd
With my notebook out.
An old guy says to me,
“I got good news for ya. We’re going to join ya.”
And I tell him “No problem. These seats are pretty nice.”
They sit.
“Comfortable fucking chair.” He says.
“Hell yeah, I needed it. I’ve been walking all day like you guys.”
“Yeah, but you’re a young man yet.”
I smirked
And started writing the scene in my notebook
For fun.
They get up when I write
“I got good news for ya.”
“Take it easy.” I tell them.
“Thanks for sharing your living room with us.” He says and smiles and walks away.
I finish my scotch
And think about her:
I want to write a haiku
For my love for you,
But I don’t know how.
I meet up with Mikey in the bar
And order two Glenlivets on the rocks
And two Heinekens.
I give a pair to Mikey and he says,
“Heineken? I guess…”
“Just drink the fucking thing.” I say.
And we hang outside the Hilton bar
People watching rockstars
And wannabes
And groupies
And salesmen.
Melina calls me.
“Where ya at?!”
“I’m at the Hilton bar with Mikey. Where are you at?”
“I’m across the street at the Fender party!”
“Where’s it at?”
“The Marriott. You guys get over here!”
“Alright, see you soon.”
Mikey and I finish our drinks
And go to the Marriott.
I show the guy my pass
And step inside
To Eddie Van Halen
Wearing grey thermal underwear
Soloing alone onstage
Like a drunk poet
Going in and out of half recognizable solos
And a little bit of eruption,
Spewing
Beautiful noise.
I look behind myself
And see Jane and Melina
Paired off with a couple douche-bag rockers,
The one next to Jane wearing a black tank top showing off his biceps
The other one with one of those lame haircuts
Where you spend a half hour fixing your hair
To look like you don’t give a fuck
But says to me you give too much of a fuck.
I feel my animal overcome me
A wave of emotion
Washes over me
And I push it down
And turn around and say what’s up.
We talk for a second,
But she never introduces me to the faggy rocker dudes,
So I turn back around
And watch Eddie play.
Everyone watches quietly
As he runs out of frets
And unplugs his guitar
And uses the feedback from the cable tip
Against his pickup
To make the final
High pitch note he needs.
“Yeah!!!!”
I yell drunk off scotch and beer
And he looks up from the guitar in my direction
With a grin,
Ending the guitar poem.
Everyone applauds.
I turn around again
And see them chatting with each other.
When the animals pushing on me
Its fight or flight
Which means I flee.
I don’t want to hang around like a fucking nerd
Fifth wheel
So I walk to the open bar
On the other side of the ballroom,
Get another beer
And slug it
And get another beer and a scotch on the rocks.
I hung out like a wallflower for a little bit.
A young Fender exec I met early when I was shooting
Comes up to me and shakes my hand.
“I can’t believe Eddie played!”
“Didn’t you guys pay him to?”
“No, we just invited him to the party!
But we had everything ready incase he wanted to, and he did!”
“That’s fucking cool, man.”
The young exec rushes off.
I remain chilling,
Trying to understand what I’m feeling
This burning heart of mine
This lonely life
My reaction.
I split out the back door
To avoid an awkward situation
And leave the hotel
To find her out front having a smoke
With the bed head guy.
I make eye contact with him
And pass by without saying anything
And I can hear her talking to him
But she doesn’t see my face
And I walk back across the street.
It becomes a blur.
It doesn’t matter.
I just keep putting whiskey and beer inside myself.
At one point I buy two girls drinks
To be random,
And give each a kiss on the cheek.
“Are you going to be here tomorrow?”
One of them asks.
“Maybe.”
And I walk away
To drink away
The sickness
Until I vomit
To reinforce the pain inside
With violent puking
Into a toilet.
The few women
I’ve loved
I‘ve had to let go of.
Each of them
From the Red House over yonder.
And as I write this right now
I could fling my empty bottle of cheap wine at the wall.
But I show restraint and sit it on the floor.
After I puke up
The booze
And a little blood,
I inhale a roomservice halfpound bacon cheeseburger.
It’s 1:30am.
I get a call from Melina.
“Hey where are you?”
“I’m in my room eating a bacon cheeseburger. Where are you?”
“I’m downstairs. I lost Jane.”
“Come up. I’m in 12-312. Twelfth floor. Room 312.
Me and Mikey and his friends are chilling.”
“Ok, I’m coming up.”
She knocks
And I let her in.
She sits down on the bed next to me
And says,
“I don’t know what happened to Jane.
We got a cab to the Hyatt with a couple guys we met
And then she disappeared.
She was texting her boyfriend the whole time,
I think they were fighting.
Her boyfriend’s some heir to a Utah copper mine.”
“Whatever.” I say.
And take my last bite of bacon cheeseburger.
“I threw up. That burger did me good.”
“You threw up?
Ah…”
And then she said,
“I don’t know what happened to Jane,
But there was an incredible salsa band at the Hyatt.
I danced by myself.”
“Like this?”
And I get up and put a hand near my stomach
And stick the other one out
And do a mock salsa.”
“Yeah, just like that.” She laughs.
“Do you want come back to my room and smoke a joint?
You can stay in my bed if you want.”
Then she gets a call.
“Hold on, it’s Jane.
‘Jane, where are you…?
At the Hilton?? Ok I’ll be right down girlfriend.’”
She closes her phone and says,
“She’s downstairs. I’m going to go meet her and take her back to the room.
Do you want to come with me?”
“Yeah I’ll go with you.”
“Ok. You can still stay with me if you want.”
“Alright.” I say coolly.
And I say goodbye to Mikey and his punk rock friends.
Jane’s in the bar with the bed head guy.
It’s last call and clearing out.
She’s all fucked up.
“What’s up Jane?”
“Hi Brandon!”
And she gives me a hug
And a kiss on the cheek.
And then four of us head off to the Radisson
Down the street.
We stumble along
Talking about shit I don’t remember
The bed head guy bouncing between
Consoling Jane and
Charming Melina with his insight into every topic of discussion.
I don’t really say much,
I don’t need to.
We get to the room
And sit on the beds
Still talking about whatever.
Melina rolls a nice joint,
Puffs it then hands it to me.
I puff it twice and hand it to Jane.
“No, that’s ok sweetie. I don’t smoke weed.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“I don’t know. It makes me feel weird.”
“Alright… How about you?”
“Hell yeah!”
And I pass it off to the bed head guy.
As we smoke,
The room phone rings.
“I’ll answer it.” Says Jane.
And picks up the phone.
“Oh my God. I can’t believe you’re calling me here.
Who am I with?!
I’m in my room with Brandon, Melina, and Michael
And we’re about to have a foursome.
Don’t call me again.”
She hangs up and calls the front desk.
“Hi can you please block all calls to my room? Thank you.”
She hangs up.
“I’m sorry about that. I can’t believe he called me here.”
I finish the joint.
Melina comes out of the bathroom wearing some workout pants
And a t-shirt.
“Alright guys, I’m going to bed.”
I’m already kicked back on the bed.
Melina lifts the sheets
And says,
”You can get under the sheets.”
And I roll over so she can get in and then I spoon up next to her.
“Mr. Brandon…”
“That’s so cute.” Jane says.
And Bed Head jumps in bed next to Jane.
And I hold Melina to me under the sheets and fall asleep.
“Uhhh… Oh my God. You’re fucking good… Oh…!”
I wake up still spooned next to Melina
And listen to the pornstar in the next bed
Moaning and saying dirty things.
“Oh…That’s so sensitive.”
And I listen to them rock and roll,
While I hold Melina,
Feeling her holding me,
Feeling more holding her
Than loveless fucking
In the company of strangers
Could ever feel like.
Their bed really starts to rock
And then Jane comes.
“Oh my god! You’re fucking incredible.”
The guy stayed silent the whole time.
We woke in the morning,
Still spooning.
Melina turns her head to me.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” I say. “Let’s get some breakfast.”
“Ok.”
And she gets up goes to the bathroom to change.
I look across to the other bed and see Jane spooned by the guy that fucked her,
Her eyes open, peaking out of the covers looking at me.
I get out of bed still wearing what I wore the night before
And go downstairs with Melina for breakfast.
“I’m fucking dehydrated.”
My lips were chapped
My mouth was completely dry.
I drank three glasses of OJ
And three glasses of water.
The waitress refills my water and I tell her,
“Wait.”
And drink my glass of water immediately so she can refill it again.
“Did you hear them last night?” She asks.
“Yeah. They we’re really going at it.” I laughed. “I guess she earned her name,
Tits Lickaweenie.”
Melina laughs.
“Yeah I guess so. I mean we’re practically strangers.
Did she think we wouldn’t hear?”
“I don’t think she cared.”
“I don’t think they used protection.”
“I don’t think so either. She’s on dirty whore status.”
She laughs again and says,
“I don’t know why I judge the woman more than the guy.
He’s just as much of a slut.”
“Yeah, who knows what kind of diseases they contracted last night.
Guys are weak, they get validation from it, ego stuff.”
“I guess you can’t blame him, he had a playboy model in bed with him who was fighting with her boyfriend. She would have screwed anyone last night. He probably couldn’t believe how lucky he got.”
“I would have at least rubbered up.”
“He totally didn’t. Wouldn’t we have noticed him getting out of bed?”
I smile at her.
She smiles at me.
“We can’t tell our (executive producer) about this. It would break his heart.”
“It would for sure.”
“Who was that dude that fucked Jane, anyway?”
“The son of some musician. We met him backstage at the Fender party. I was talking to him first but then he started consoling Jane the rest of the night and the other guy that was with Jane was a complete moron. I couldn’t get more than a grunt out of him.”
I laugh.
We finish our breakfast
And I walk her back to the elevator,
And give her a hug.
“We have to hang out ok?” She says.
“Ok. Maybe after I finish my script I can bring it over.”
“Of course. I’d love to read it.”
“Bye Melina.”
“Bye Brandon.”
And I let her go again.
