Upriver

come love me not
i never existed in this life
i am not
and i could have been
this rimbaudian
tragedy
i could have wrote all this shit
for myself
and then just
wandered off’into
the jungle
to start my own
Conradian compound
up the Nung river
And become
a Kurtzian
warrior poet
in the truest sense
and meditate
dark buddhist
revelations
on the cruelty of
human beings

my heart

i want to
break it
like a wild animal
over
and over
myself
until I can
take a spear in the
chest
like
a shaolin
master
so when my true love
tries to push the
dagger in
it wont break the skin
when she leaves
i will find it
impossible to
seppuku
no matter
how many times
i want to.

>poem removed<

dig the title though.

This is
a morning in disguise,
radiant beams
blind my eyes,
when one seems
to fear no lies,
radiant beams
begin to rise;
and i behold
brand new skies
of azureus

my life now seems
so wonderous
i wonder if
she will miss
the way
i used to kiss

i see new skies
that see only me
i see what i came to see
i am what
i was meant to be
so i will feel like this
i will be longing for
your touch and kiss
i will be
your nothingness
that waits
for nothing
i will exist
a spiritual
nihilist
as
pain broken down
into
the theory of complexity
and out of nothing
and everything
somehow
equals me.

when you’ve
lost
what it feels
like
to be loved
you feel like
this
planet
might
as well
revolve
around a
cold sun–

like a
stray
no one wants back
let go of
not
wanted
or needed
anymore
a course
of runned
love
left behind

when you’ve
found
something
that might be
more than what it seems
finding
and then
oh
the potential
vulnerability
of it actually
being
oh…

Got me
a little beagle,
Rescued him from
Doggy Death Camp.
His sad eyes
asked me
why
and i know
i can’t answer
that
but i can give love
and
thats the only answer
i’ve been able to
come up with.

I was visiting
a friend
and we we’re watching
a game show on tv,
his girlfriend
watching with us
and the answer
to the question
was Kama Sutra
“Oh Kama Sutra!” She exclaimed
and started writhing
around on the bed
next to him.

At the end of the day
I fall asleep
and enter
unconsciousness.

Sleep is such a mysterious state of reality.

infinite inner space of the brain
organic electric engine of perception.

Dr. Ronald Mallett
is trying to create a time machine
using lasers
at the
University of Connecticut.

if that kind of external manipulation of space-time is possible
i can see the mind as something
that is reverse of that
that travels into the future
with this electric mind
that was born here
to do what it’s supposed to
like a bear
or something, you know what i’m saying?
a bear does what its
instincts tell it,
it’s here
doing exactly what it’s here to do
being a bear

Just like us,
here to do what we’re doing
and not doing
winning
losing
destroying
saving
killing
saving
killing
saving
hating
loving
hating
loving
doing human things
trying to figure out
what it all means.

We mammalian
descended from
the likes of baboons
and chimpanzees
back when
emotions like rage
were absolute
and used to
fight rival packs of apes
to the death
and love
the only thing
it’s living for.

These emotions have
evolved us
into human beings.
love for everything
is the next step in evolution.
It first takes individuals,
like Buddhas,
to show the way,
then one day
the most obvious path
for humanity
will be
obvious.

there’s people
figuring out how to travel back in time,
there’s people
figuring out how to travel back in time!

i love we
crazy human beings.

Tired of songs
from the hellpit

Gonna go for a trip
in the wilderness
to revitalize
and purify
in mountain air
gonna wash my soul
in the scene
and leave it out to dry
for a couple days
let poems
pour
like
mountains and streams
without end
let my body
use everything
to hike somewhere
I saw before
when i was a boy
swimming in a stream
at the bottom
of the grand canyon.

the hike from the bottom
tests the mind
more than the body
and clears the mind
in meditative
ascetic ascension.
Descending is easy
the trip down
is always easier
and one could argue
more beautiful,
but i’ve
learned to love
the beauty
in
the
trudge,
the viscious
sludge
of life,
the drudgery
want for luxury
love
wanting
needing
bleeding
suffering
self inflicting
projecting
pain
Alice in Chains in my ears
not helping the situation
with songs about dying young
like Layne
in a hotel room
found two weeks later
overdosed on heroin.

Let me switch tracks
the depressed heroin wailing
is weighing on me

Ahhh… Cresendolls
what a happy song.
I want to be greeted in heaven
by it,
and when the dj starts scratching
i’ll shuffle my feet
and do a charleston,
then spin,
do the splits,
and slide back up to my feet
and tell them,
“Let me in.”

heaven and hell,
fuck it all
be damned
fuck it all
be damned
moment
moment
moment
moment
moment
moment
moment

it’s coming close to the last.

See.
I need to clear my mind.
I’m tired of writing poems like this…

and now it blossoms,
and now it blooms–
the moment wilted away.